Basically my thought process over the past few days was “Oh man! More people are entering the presidential race? Guess we’ll do a lot of research and see if this is really a ton of people or if it is always like that.” Because I mean, damn. There are like, eight or nine Republicans running already and the ex-mayor of Baltimore is going to run as a democrat which is just a comedy of errors in the making (“Govenor O’Malley, the next question is on race relations,” and *POOF* he disappears into a cloud of tear gas).
And did you know there are already NINE declared Democratic candidates? With two more with exploratory committees? Including a dude whose claim to fame is being a former college football coach? And what if Papa Joe Biden enters the race and massages his way to being a contender? WHAT IF? Ugh! There’s so much that I wanted to talk about with this Too Many Cooks-esque clusterfuck! But NOOOOO. No, today I have to talk about something important! Today I have to talk about goddamn Mike Huckabee.
Mike Huckabee, if you are someone who has had the magic ability to avoid hearing such a name, ran for president last time under the “God > America > everything else” banner, giving generous hand jobs to the Christian Right™. “America has foregone its traditional values,” Mike Huckabee said over a walking bass line while standing next to Ted Nugent’s guns. “We must not subject our children to these Bad Things and must instead do away with the Bad Things,” the good and Godly man whispered into the Fox News camera. “The Bad Things are gay people’s lifestyles. With the whole two men kissing and two women doing whatever women do.” And he licked the spine of his Bible and tasted the holiness and it was good.
This is the sort of person Huckabee is. A Fox News host who plays bass and is about God in the bad sort of way. Not the good “God is good because he helps me and other people and faith is ::100 emoji:: because it gives my life a purpose” way, but in the I like to shit all over people I don’t understand and use the bible to justify it way. So, of course, with Caitlyn Jenner in the news, Mike Huckabee hiked up his preachin’ pants and came a runnin’.
AND SPEAKING OF CAITLYN JENNER: Yo, Caitlyn. You’re looking fly on that magazine cover. Good luck with everything! But, I mean, and I’m sure you’ve heard this already, I can’t help but notice your name starts with the letter C. Your family sort of has a thing going… Kris, Kim, Kourtney, Ktheotherone… I get not wanting to be part of it, but at the same time… like… you know?
Ok, so he actually made these remarks earlier in the year, but HO, HO, HO does that really not matter. Mike HuckaBuckaChucka has QUESTIONED this SOCIAL EXPERIMENT that we have going on in the country where we allow FOURTY TWO YEAR OLD MEN (a very specific age) to GO TO THE BATHROOM in front of SEVEN YEAR OLD GIRLS (another very specific age) just because they “feel more like a woman than a man.”
AND THIS IS BAD! Mike Huckabibble shouts into a microphone made of pizza from Indiana. Because, of course, in this scenario, women’s restrooms are basically troughs that you squat over and everyone stares at each other’s lady bits (Mike Huckleberryhound has never seen a women’s restroom before). Just because this MAN (because penis and penis = man) WANTS to PEE with his PENIS in the woman’s room, doesn’t mean we should LET HIM. No, we’re not talking trans* folks who want to walk into a bathroom that matches who they are as a person. We’re not saying that your genitals don’t equal your gender. We’re not saying any of that. Mike Huckitoverthefence is saying that by allowing trans* people to… exist? It means that we’re going to allow grown men to pee in front of little girls because they feel like it.
Do you understand the gravity of the situation yet? Well, let Mike Huxtable give you a HI-LARIOUS little supposition about what would have happened if this transgender business had been around when he was in high school!
Now I with that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure I would have found my feminine side and said “Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.”
Now, this means one of two things. 1. It means that Mike Hullaballoo had a REALLY BAD time in the high school showers and was searching for a way to get out of them. Or 2. Mike Huckabee is a sociopath. Because whose first thought about being transgendered is “Oh fuck yes, I can go look at naked high school girls!”? Sociopaths. That’s who. Normal people would see the mountain of other things that matter, the pile of Mike Huckabees of the world standing in their way of living a life that makes sense, not “mhmm! Puberty in action!”
And this isn’t some dickbrained wacko who we will never hear from again. This is a man who is running AGAIN for the presidency of the United States! And who has, somehow, support! He’s been the frontrunner before, which is goddamn TERRIFYING. Beyond the fact that he treats the idea of trans* people like the bad subplot of an afterschool special, this is a man who can turn people’s lives into an excuse to talk about his own total disregard for woman vis-a-vis his nefarious hypothetical attempts to ogle them naked.
So we’re all going to collectively sigh and take the ten seconds out of our day to let our crazy uncles know that they should vote for almost literally any other candidate, right? HEY, UNCLE JOE. VOTE FOR OUR DUDE RUBIO. HE’S CRAZY IN A FUN WAY INSTEAD OF A FUCKING AWFUL WAY.
524 days until the election. God help us all.
Wyl Villacres is a writer and registered Republican who votes Green Party. His political work has been featured in the Examiner, Time Out Chicago, and This Ordinary Guy, and Newsweek once put him on their Tumblr. Find more about him at wylvillacres.net and follow him on Twitter: @wyllinois.