Bernie Sanders Will Give You Ice Cream

I am sick as a goddamn dog right now. I get sick after 2 things: being around new people and being exhausted. I spent a very nice weekend down in Nashville, made a bunch of new friends, and went out and partied like a twenty-something is wont to do. But if you’re going to go out to the honky tonks on Broadway in Nashville, make sure you pop a couple Airbornes.

That said, while I was at another bar, Foobar, which was empty, we left and had a place called Cookout. At Cookout, I had a double cheeseburger, and, as a side, had a quesadilla and a bacon wrap. Which is just bacon inside of a tortilla. God bless America. And in all of this, I was snapping photos and sending them to Marco Rubio on Snapchat, because that is still a thing you can do.

And while I was in the music city, while I was hanging around in East Nasty (god, I can’t wait to move there), there was some fun news we’ll all have to talk about. Our old pal Bernie Sanders!

Bernie Sanders, a Democratic candidate I would vote for (which is amazing), announced his presidency Tuesday. Which, I mean, I thought he had already done that. Why am I following him on Twitter if homie wasn’t already a candidate? Whatever. Bernie, the so-called “Democratic socialist,” did what any socialist would do and announced his candidacy (for the second time) at a festival in Vermont with free Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and a dance band. Which is pretty cool and hip for someone who looks like he’s a thousand years old. Cool grandpa Bernie just wants you to have a good time. Also, can you spare a couple bucks? He’ll pay you back when he gets in the office.


Bernie is my home boy because he’s very anti-corporations. Which is good. But it’s bad when you’re running for president and all of your opponents on both sides are trying to raise literally billions of dollars. So dude needs to get all of us small donors to step up to the plate. Shit, he’s basically Kickstarter-ing a presidential campaign, which is cool and hip, but also sort of lame and bad?

Which leads us all to the thing I actually wanted to talk about this whole time. Why are we, the American electorate, so goddamn stupid?

Yeah. I said it. Why are we, collectively, so fucking stupid?

I mean, look at it this way: The reason that candidates court those evil evil corporations in the first place is to raise money. Because like, 99% of the time, the candidate with the most money wins. But that doesn’t make any sense, because shouldn’t we all be voting for the candidate who best serves us? Shouldn’t we spend the, I don’t know, hour or so it would really take to do the most basic level of research?

We should, but instead we watch TV and catch commercials where things are all black and white and red with downward pointing arrows and poorly Photoshopped news clips telling you that the apocalypse is coming because of the economy and the military and the gays and the climate, only to Dorothy in Wonderland it up at the end, Rick Perry or someone walking through a wheat field (which I’ve never even seen a wheat field, so blow it out your ass, Perry), telling you that they will get this country “back on track” and it’s like, Homie, we’re on a boat, not a train! (I really, really, really hate political ads).

But the dumbest thing in the world is that there are people (most people, apparently) that base their vote on THOSE ADS. That’s like people who decide not to go see a movie because douchey MRA websites tell them that it’s too feministy. Which is also a thing that happens. I hate everyone.

But where was I? Something about Grandpa Bernie having an ice cream festival with both Ben and Jerry to entice small donors.


I like Big B. I think he’s a fun guy to have in the race. I mean that because I like pretty much all of his policy. I’m into ending Citizens United, I’m about trying to reduce our horrific abuse of the planet because I am a hippy who wants my kids to have a place to live that doesn’t flood or burn all the time. So that’s rad! But Grandpa Bernie is an old white guy. And while I’m only 26, I’ve gotten pretty used to all old white men being pretty bad for business. And it’s not just in politics, but it’s in everything. There’s a reason that lit mags are consistently looking for diverse voices, and you gotta wonder just how different ol’ Ice Cream Sanders is going to be if/once he got the nod. Shit, even non-white dudes end up becoming that political machine once they taste that power.

I mean, look at 2008 Obama. That was a candidate I could vote for! (And did.) But that dude sucks in practice, and don’t give me that shit about how congress is awful. Dude had two years with a Democratic majority and he pissed it away because he’s not the idealist you wanted him to be.

But Bernie is totally going to be different. He’s not going to change his mind about corporate donors and take a gang of money from Super PACs once he figures out that it is the only way he can win.

P.s. Check out a video of a dog eating a watermelon that I snapped to Marco Rubio here.

Wyl Villacres is a writer and registered Republican who votes Green Party. His political work has been featured in the Examiner, Time Out Chicago, and This Ordinary Guy, and Newsweek once put him on their Tumblr. Find more about him at and follow him on Twitter: @wyllinois.

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