I, like you, spend too much time on the internet. There’s a ton of great things we can do on the internet—read digital publications, connect with our families and friends—and all of it is made even better by the complete control you have over your experience.
Of course, I don’t have to explain to you how the internet works, because you are a human who lives in the modern day. You don’t like people blowing up your social media feed with nonsense. So who gets to tell Marco Rubio this?
Rubio is my main man. He’s the republican I want to see get the nomination. Not because I like his policy, no, but because, being Puerto Rican, I’m all about a Latino running for office, especially as a republican. Homie’s granddad was an illegal immigrant, so you know Rubio isn’t going to be as deportation happy as his fellow republicans (or democrats. Obama’s been pretty damn deportation happy). And I know, I know, Teddy Boy Cruz is also Cuban, but look, that dude scares the shit out of me just looking at him, so fuck that guy. Plus, ain’t he Canadian?
But Rubio starts to lose my totally unreasonable support because of how he treats my one true love: the internet. I mean, as far as every candidate goes, Rubio is the youngest [note: I have no idea if that’s true or not, but it feels right]. So dude has a grasp on things. He’s got a goddamn Medium profile for fucks sake. He used his Medium profile to post a speech me made on American Strength™ and why Obama is bad because he scaled back America’s military presence in other countries (though he skips the part where Obama had robots rain death and destruction from the sky in like, half the world, but whatever). So good job, Marco, Marky Mark, M-Rub. You did it!
But then, for some unknown reason, after Tweeting a link to the full text of his speech, after tweeting a link to WATCH him give the speech that he posted on Medium, he [ok, his team] sent out FIFTY SEVEN (57) FUCKING TWEETS THAT WERE JUST THE GODDAMN SPEECH ITSELF. And it’s not just the incessant tweeting that really got under my skin (though mostly I just laughed). It was the fact that some of them could have been EASILY combined to make one longer tweet and then I would be able to get more updates on the starting lineup for the Cubs vs. the Mets (the Cubs won, it was great, but I was still thinking about how Marco Rubio took up 80% of my timeline for a solid hour).
But that was like, a whole week ago. And here, 77ish weeks out from the election, where who knows who else is going to jump into the race (my money is on Gil John Biggs from the Amazon series Alpha House), time waits for no man (or Hillary Clinton). So we push on, deeper into the Rubioian psyche of Twitter strategy.
Now, my brother from a slightly further west mother Marco Rubio is going for the youth vote. How? With MEMES. Yes! The same thing that never has worked out for a republican candidate ever, because holy shit the GOP is bad with memes, is going to be how Rubio really hits his home run. Why, just yesterday, the Rubio team sent a photo and tweet that let us know America can’t afford another 8 years of a [big, big font] SOAP OPERA [picture of Hillary Clinton making a dumb face]. Because, you know, Bill Clinton once stuck a cigar inside an intern (JFK laughing from heaven saying “That’s it?” while Regan gives a thumbs up). And this meme works on TWO LEVELS, see, because women watch soap operas too much and Hillary Clinton is a woman, so HAHAHAHAHAH. Very good burn, Rubio. Nice.
Which makes me wonder what the fuck is up with early candidates. They all start the attack on the presumed democratic candidate while they have to do a lot of campaigning to even make it that far. Like, wouldn’t now be a much better time for Marco Rubio to say something like “Ted Cruz? More like Ted Snooze, amirite? Fuck that guy. Vote for this Cuban dude.” Or for Jeb to be all like “I mean, seriously, guys. Like, really.” If I was a candidate, my entire campaign right now would literally just be clips of Ted Cruz and Rand Paul talking. That’s it. At the very end, a screen would pop up saying “Don’t be a fucking idiot. Villacres 2016.”
And let’s not forget (please, make this a thing you remember for the rest of your life), Marco Rubio has a Snapchat. I’m sorry, I notice you’re still here. Marco Rubio, candidate for the President of the United States, has a SNAPCHAT—you know, the app that lets you send pictures of your dick to someone before they get more or less erased in 10 seconds. Marco Rubio has one of those. You can be friends with Marco Rubio on Snapchat. I downloaded Snapchat JUST so I could send Marco Rubio pictures of my meals (as soon as I figure out how this Snapchat thing works, you crazy kids with your technology). Also, should I find it weird that Marco Rubio and the Miami Dolphins are Snapchat friends? Does any of this make sense?
Shit, we’re not even going to get into the point in time when Marco ran his own Twitter account. Back in 2009, it was actually him and someone has worked very very hard to clean up everything from it. There are still a few interesting things in his favorites—he’s REAL into football and, my absolute favorite, likes when people argue with parody twitter accounts. But that’s in the past. Now, Rubio is a machine, primed and willing to go to Twitter war with candidates, let’s be real, he will never face, possibly angling for a job as a junior staffer on Jeb’s campaign where he will make memes and pat himself on the back saying “There’s always 2020. Who knows what new social media networks I’ll be able to use then. 2020, that’s Rubio’s year.”
537 days until the election.
Wyl Villacres is a writer and registered Republican who votes Green Party. His political work has been featured in the Examiner, Time Out Chicago, and This Ordinary Guy, and Newsweek once put him on their Tumblr. Find more about him at wylvillacres.net and follow him on Twitter: @wyllinois.