ROMANTICS: A Pick-Up Line by Dan Gutstein

Putin Position

By Dan Gutstein

for Matt Salesses

“Are you on the Inter-nyet” I said
she laughed ‘hyeah hyeah hyeah’
blonde, snappy, and Cossack
I said, “Sorry if that’s some serious bullshevik”
I had to hit on her
I had to develop a five year plan of hitting on her
the bartender was mixing her and her friend a drink
it would have a pickle juice chaser
“I’ll give you a pickle-back ride,” I suggested
‘hyeah hyeah hyeah’ she laughed
the bartender called the drink a Natassja Kinky
he got some points
he got some serious points
“Think,” I commanded myself, “Think”
I put my arm around her!
I put my arm around her
blonde, snappy, Cossack shoulders
her Persian eyes that purred with malice
“I’ll show you,” I said, “how you and I can get
So … Viet … Union
you can be my side order of cole Slav”
the friend (not bad herself) hissed something in Russian
the busboy clanked some heavy plates
at the end of the bar
‘To your feet!’ she shouted, shrugging my arm away
‘I show you Putin Position’
and as I stood I pictured Putin himself
penniless or less than penniless
when the judo came out of her wiry strength
my head clattered half the barstools
and as I wriggled on the floor she raised her high heel
but their men came into the pub
their short, hairless men sweaty in winter coats
clean, if clean meant cologne slapped on sour froth
they regarded me with brotherly sobriety
kissed their women on both cheeks
Putin Position was not me, mine
but hers, the towering ‘hyeah hyeah yeah’
—
Dan Gutstein, literally, read with Matt Salesses (and others) last night in D.C. And a great reading it was! He’s the author of two books — non/fiction and Bloodcoal & Honey — and more than 160 pieces in more than 80 journals and anthologies.